@IamJackBoot

Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.

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@TweetingDadGuy

When my daughter gets older, she will have a camera phone OR a mirror. Not both. Thanks for the advice Twitter.

@FredTaming

wife: the turn was back there

me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much

wife: my name is karen

me: ughh this is different, karen

@TheMongoose69

When I push a door that clearly says pull, it serves as a harsh reminder that I’d make a terrible midwife.

@jessica_salfia

This poem is called “First lines of emails I’ve received while quarantining.”

@MooseAllain

If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.

@molly7anne

billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.

@david8hughes

[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.

@FuckabillyRex

My dog seems happy so I took her meds to see if they’d help me and I guess at least I won’t have any ticks this summer.

@FunnyBison

My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”