You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
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If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
my nickname in college
oh u like geography? name every lake
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light