If you shout along to the last word of each sentence in the eulogy, you can turn any funeral into a Beastie Boys song.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
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Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of
their life, has never had two candy bars
fall down at once from a vending
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
My neighbors are drunk & climbing up the balcony. Or possibly being robbed. Whatever.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
ENGINEER: and this baby will do zero to sixty in less than three seconds
ME [admiring the infant catapult]: *nods* very impressive
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.