@SteveSuckington

Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.

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@stinky_blinders

It’s been 3 years and my golden retriever has yet to retrieve any gold at all. 0 stars.

@jacquiewalters

“What should we name them?”
Grapes
“And what about these?”
Grapefruits
“I see. So one is a larger version of another?”
Not at all
“Perfect”

@FaisalAdam_

I got kicked out of the procrastinators club when I showed up for our first meeting..

@AndyAsAdjective

[after sex]

ME: that was…magnificently stupefying

HER: please put the thesaurus down

@fro_vo

“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”

–spirited debate

@ArfMeasures

[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!

@mjkspeaks

How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?

@djdarrellripley

Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.

Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…