@SteveSuckington

Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.

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@drinksmcgee

If you shout along to the last word of each sentence in the eulogy, you can turn any funeral into a Beastie Boys song.

@iSamJack

Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of
their life, has never had two candy bars
fall down at once from a vending
machine.

@Christweetpher_

[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs

@Ms612

My neighbors are drunk & climbing up the balcony. Or possibly being robbed. Whatever.

@MissHavisham

5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.

@TheAlexNevil

Fortune Cookie:

You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.

@ShortSleeveSuit

ENGINEER: and this baby will do zero to sixty in less than three seconds

ME [admiring the infant catapult]: *nods* very impressive

@david8hughes

Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas

@MauriceBlitz

I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.