Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
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I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Big Sex has us all fooled
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
fun fact: nike is short for nichael