@Sarcasticsapien

Sure, we can be friends. I get to be Chandler.

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@shkeeber

Things safer than flying Malaysia Airlines:

-Badger juggling
-Heroin enemas
-Grenade soup
-Live cobra condoms
-Roman candle tampons
-Ebola

@_alexwray

[couple inviting me somewhere]
Why yes I’d love to accompany you as a third wheel, it is my most favorite of all the wheels, wheels I love

@MatCro

GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.

ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?

@the_anastasia

“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”

Facebook is worse than my parents.

@TheDailySchmuck

*makes third wish*

Lastly, I want to be irresistible to women.

[Transformed into really nice handbag]

Dammit.

@ThisOneSayz

To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.

@FinnMcIver

our teacher used to make us do 100 lines if we’d been naughty. my nose was wrecked at the end of it

@mynameisntdave

LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE

@adult_mom

I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks

@AristotlesNZ

Don’t worry, dude, You’re fine. I’m pretty sure you need a personality first before it can have a disorder.