If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
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I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Eat…
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/