Things safer than flying Malaysia Airlines:
-Live cobra condoms
-Roman candle tampons
Sure, we can be friends. I get to be Chandler.
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[couple inviting me somewhere]
Why yes I’d love to accompany you as a third wheel, it is my most favorite of all the wheels, wheels I love
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
*makes third wish*
Lastly, I want to be irresistible to women.
[Transformed into really nice handbag]
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
our teacher used to make us do 100 lines if we’d been naughty. my nose was wrecked at the end of it
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Don’t worry, dude, You’re fine. I’m pretty sure you need a personality first before it can have a disorder.