@MichaelaOkla

Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands

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@jellybnbonanza

Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in

I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.

@MissNaughty1801

CW:where are you going?
Me:trying to prevent an awkward conversation between two people
CW:who?
Me:me and you

@junejuly12

Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”

@joelu72

[writing my first autopsy report]

There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy

@ShellHasDragons

If anyone wants to know why parents dont sleep, it’s the foot in your nose at 00:39

@Darlainky

My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.

@daemonic3

Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.

@fro_vo

Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday

@Rollinintheseat

Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.