Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands

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Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in

I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.


CW:where are you going?
Me:trying to prevent an awkward conversation between two people
Me:me and you


Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”


[writing my first autopsy report]

There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy


If anyone wants to know why parents dont sleep, it’s the foot in your nose at 00:39


My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.


Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.


Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday


Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.