Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
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[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
The police never think its as funny as you do.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends