@LurkAtHomeMom

Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.

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@7_Cents

Walruses? Walri? Walrus?

Anyway…They’ve escaped.

@_xLNc

“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.

@warmyellowlight

some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]

@JasonBerlin

1. Bang knee on table – curse life.
2. Check credit card balance.
3. Think back to sweet moment when you banged knee on table.

@Steven37366100

Me: *taking an art appreciation class*

Instructor: Please bring my students back

@Lisabug74

[first day at prestigious culinary school]

“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”

@rockymomax

I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees

@Breadery

I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.

@ClichedOut

HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking

ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol