Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
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“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
THIS HEADLINE
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.