Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
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I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Heroic Misunderstanding
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.