“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
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I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
It’s the weekend y’all
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions