@stephenjmolloy

“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”

Taxidermy is invented.

You Might Also Like

@mollymcnearney

Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.

@SteveSuckington

“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”

-guy who invented condoms

@TheToddWilliams

[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.

@SortaBad

*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”

@junejuly12

When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.

@Playing_Dad

Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.

@primawesome

Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.

@Brampersandon_

OCTOPUS: *places tentacle on Bible*
JUDGE: Do u swear to tell the truth?
O: Yes
BAILIFF: *spends like 8 minutes trying to get Bible unstuck*