Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
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I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.