Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
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*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.