Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
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I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money