My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
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My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.