Surely these children should be in bed by now?

– me, anytime after 4pm

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Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.


[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”

Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.


“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”

me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it


[several months ago]

BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby

JAY-Z: How many we got


JAY-Z: Not a problem


It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.


On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.


-I’m just gonna have 1 drink before dinner
-I’m just gonna have 1 drink with dinner
-I’m just gnna hav 1 aftdinr drk
-I pishd ma pnts gen


ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS

HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?

ME: I do not


*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*