Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
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Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
is it earth
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Rooting for the overdog
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?