Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
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[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”
Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
JAY-Z: Not a problem
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
-I’m just gonna have 1 drink before dinner
-I’m just gonna have 1 drink with dinner
-I’m just gnna hav 1 aftdinr drk
-I pishd ma pnts gen
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*