Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
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[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.