Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
You Might Also Like
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.