Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
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A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
me, testifying before congress: …& i think everyone here agrees that it’s about time lawmakers overturn the ‘he who smelt it, dealt it’ law because we know that it’s not always the case
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today