@shariv67

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

You Might Also Like

@BradBroaddus

My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.

@AndrewNadeau0

Band:Make some noise!
Crowd:WOOO!
Me:THATS SO VAGUE! WHAT KIND OF NOISE?!
B:I cant hear u!
C:WOOO!
M:B/C UR PLAN WAS FLAWED FROM THE START!

@shariv67

They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”

@JJSummertime

My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.

@FeverFlave

I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.

@Shade510

I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldnโ€™t end up with a yeast infection.

@PetrickSara

Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.

@softzenik

me covering my front camera with tape and thinking about how the fbi agent monitoring me has watched me cry everyday but never once checked up on me: cut toxic people out of your life 2018