@kumailn: "Pizza is always good." - everyone "We'll see about that." - Papa John's

@tealbluejay: My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they'd still be dead at 8am.

@TravLeBlanc: I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.

@upsidedowntrash: [1st Day working at Hotel California] Guest: Id like 2 check out Me: Sure! Youre all set! G: Thanks! [Leaves] Boss: Can I see u in my office

@markhoppus: It's here! May The Fourth Be With You!!