Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Surgeon: during the operation we will use a powerful laser to remove the tumor
Me: PEW PEW PEW!
Surgeon: Ma’am this is a very serious procedure
Me: [somberly] pew
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me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
One man’s internet wife is another man’s internet husband.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
My favorite romantic comedy sub-genre is “Hugh Grant falls in love with someone for no reason.”
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.