@mommajessiec
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
@refreshingslurp
Surgeon: during the operation we will use a powerful laser to remove the tumor
Me: PEW PEW PEW!
Surgeon: Ma’am this is a very serious procedure
Me: [somberly] pew
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@mommajessiec
@QwertyJones3
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
@WarEagleChopOn
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
@Pundamentalism
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
@SADCHICANA
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
@PaigeKellerman
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
@BigBang6000
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
@paulablu22
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
@ventivodkacran
When someone yells “STOP!” I never know if it’s Hammertime or if I should collaborate and listen.
@MsCarlissima
“Holy shit. That butterfly’s gonna be HUGE.”
— First person to find a mummy