Surgeon: during the operation we will use a powerful laser to remove the tumor
Surgeon: Ma’am this is a very serious procedure
Me: [somberly] pew

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We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.


Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.


Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.


I accidentally bump into a man.

He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”

I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.


How will the whales ever evolve if we keep pushing them back in the water?


Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed

Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?


2001 A Space Odyssey 2

The spaceship returns

HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.

He never works.

He becomes the basis for Windows 10.


You’d think a dude named Captain Crunch would have amazing abs.


“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”

People that don’t know how cake


I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”