@refreshingslurp

Surgeon: during the operation we will use a powerful laser to remove the tumor
Me: PEW PEW PEW!
Surgeon: Ma’am this is a very serious procedure
Me: [somberly] pew

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@mommajessiec

*dusts off treadmill*

Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.

@QwertyJones3

One hamburger please

CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here

Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please

@Pundamentalism

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.

@SADCHICANA

why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism

@PaigeKellerman

The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.

@BigBang6000

Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?

@paulablu22

Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.

@ventivodkacran

When someone yells “STOP!” I never know if it’s Hammertime or if I should collaborate and listen.

@MsCarlissima

“Holy shit. That butterfly’s gonna be HUGE.”

— First person to find a mummy