@brunopieroni
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
@refreshingslurp
Surgeon: during the operation we will use a powerful laser to remove the tumor
Me: PEW PEW PEW!
Surgeon: Ma’am this is a very serious procedure
Me: [somberly] pew
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@brunopieroni
@JohnLyonTweets
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
@ddsmidt
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
@jennifermerr
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
@ShrugLord
How will the whales ever evolve if we keep pushing them back in the water?
@GroovyTasia
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
@SequelsWeWant
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
@YourAnMoron
You’d think a dude named Captain Crunch would have amazing abs.
@Marcmywords2
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
@ronnui_
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”