@refreshingslurp

Surgeon: during the operation we will use a powerful laser to remove the tumor
Me: PEW PEW PEW!
Surgeon: Ma’am this is a very serious procedure
Me: [somberly] pew

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@brunopieroni

We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.

@JohnLyonTweets

Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.

@ddsmidt

Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.

@jennifermerr

I accidentally bump into a man.

He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”

I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.

@ShrugLord

How will the whales ever evolve if we keep pushing them back in the water?

@GroovyTasia

Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed

Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?

@SequelsWeWant

2001 A Space Odyssey 2

The spaceship returns

HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.

He never works.

He becomes the basis for Windows 10.

@YourAnMoron

You’d think a dude named Captain Crunch would have amazing abs.

@Marcmywords2

“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”

People that don’t know how cake
works.

@ronnui_

I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”