Surgeon: during the operation we will use a powerful laser to remove the tumor
Surgeon: Ma’am this is a very serious procedure
Me: [somberly] pew

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Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.


My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh


“Oh my god, it’s a genie!”
GENIE: Please, we prefer magic-american


male coworker: how’s it hanging?

me: loose and to the left


me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?

him: not a chance


Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.


Me: ‘Why are you going through my phone?’

BF: ‘Do you have something to hide?’

Me: ‘I’m gonna have a body to hide if you keep it up.’