@breeinthestee Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
@refreshingslurp Surgeon: during the operation we will use a powerful laser to remove the tumor
Me: PEW PEW PEW!
Surgeon: Ma’am this is a very serious procedure
Me: [somberly] pew
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@breeinthestee 
@bea_ker My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
@NicestHippo “Oh my god, it’s a genie!”
GENIE: Please, we prefer magic-american
@junejuly12 male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
@ndiquote I missed you with all my darts
@Shade510 *gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
@jackiembouvier Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
@o__0Dev Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
@HilariousEdited 
@Storminika Me: ‘Why are you going through my phone?’
BF: ‘Do you have something to hide?’
Me: ‘I’m gonna have a body to hide if you keep it up.’