Surgeon: during the operation we will use a powerful laser to remove the tumor
Surgeon: Ma’am this is a very serious procedure
Me: [somberly] pew

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*dusts off treadmill*

Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.


One hamburger please

CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here

*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please


I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.


why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism


The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.


Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?


Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.


When someone yells “STOP!” I never know if it’s Hammertime or if I should collaborate and listen.


“Holy shit. That butterfly’s gonna be HUGE.”

— First person to find a mummy