@refreshingslurp

Surgeon: during the operation we will use a powerful laser to remove the tumor
Me: PEW PEW PEW!
Surgeon: Ma’am this is a very serious procedure
Me: [somberly] pew

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@NewDadNotes

Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.

Me: just tell her to use the force lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?

Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

@TheHyyyype

me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉

her: are those empty

@3sunzzz

The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.

@WilliamAder

Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.

@iGreenMonk

One man’s internet wife is another man’s internet husband.

@carlyken

Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]

@outsmartedmommy

No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.

@kumailn

My favorite romantic comedy sub-genre is “Hugh Grant falls in love with someone for no reason.”

@onion_an

Me: What music you into?

Date: I love hip hop

Me: Yeah me too

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin

@Sophie2078

Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.