SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
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Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
I really had high hopes for this year though
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.