Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
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Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.