Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
You Might Also Like
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
They’re on their honeymoon
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*