I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
You Might Also Like
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Pizza is an emotion right?
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.