surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
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media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
I’ll be mad as hell!
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.