Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.

FOR SALE: air guitar, never played

Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers

[interview to be an undercover agent]

Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant

Janine: yes sir; next!

[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]

Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants

I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up

Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?

people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things

Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet

[Waking up]

Me to me: I see my assassin failed.

Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations

Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.

But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.

If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers

A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.

Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???

Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral

Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin

me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard

At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.

I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks

I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair

pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no

People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.

“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”

“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”

What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.

[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles

A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.