surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
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Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Most fashion shows these days…
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.