Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…

Me: You did?

Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!

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A kid at the park said a giant hemorrhoid is heading toward Earth. I know he misspoke but in the closing days of 2016 one can’t be too sure.


Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Cop: Aww.


So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.


May I pay you handsomely, good sir?

-Why yes you may.

*opens wallet*

*pulls out Ryan Gosling*


Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?


BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…


I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.


*in court*
Your honor,this case must be thrown out
“On what grounds?”
*points to defendants nametag: ABookByItsCover*
*Judges head explodes*


I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.