A kid at the park said a giant hemorrhoid is heading toward Earth. I know he misspoke but in the closing days of 2016 one can’t be too sure.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
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Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Your honor,this case must be thrown out
“On what grounds?”
*points to defendants nametag: ABookByItsCover*
*Judges head explodes*
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.