Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine

Me: That took guts, LOL

Patient: Who is that guy?

Surgeon: I thought you knew him

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My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.


Elijah Wood and Toby Mcguire: whoever dies first gets played by the other in the biopic


Christian Mingle: God has hidden a spouse for you on our website. Pay us $30 and see if you can find them.


You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical


Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.

Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*

Me: Is it food?


And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked


Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in


Superman: I’m my own worst enemy.

Lex Luthor: oh. That’s nice. I’m literally standing right here.


If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.