Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
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Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
I set my kid’s dollhouse on fire then asked:
DO YOU HAVE INSURANCE?!
DOES BARBIE HAVE AN ESCAPE PLAN?!
WHY ARE YOU CRYING?!
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
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