surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
You Might Also Like
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
o shit
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.