[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
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He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.