@WheelTod

[Surgery]

Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”

Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”

Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”

*Surgeon starts sawing off leg

*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy

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@Peauxtassium

If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.

@mommajessiec

Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:

Me: *looks at phone*

Husband: What are you up to?

@DaddyJew

I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work

@myonlymizztake

T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!

T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…

@lovemyboots111

Ladies, if your man says he’ll fix it, he will. There’s no reason to remind him every 6 months.

@TheAndrewNadeau

LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.

DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.

@oakhillbargrill

Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?

Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?

Wife: What?

Me: What?

Communication is hard