I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
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surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
No. YOU-buprofen.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
In space, no one can hear…
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.