“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
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Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
FRED: right
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.