@Mechaniz10

Surprise her for breakfast by wearing nothing but a giant pancake.

Not all heroes wear crepes.

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@withanewname

Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.

@ItalianBratikus

My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.

@kelkulus

Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.

@nealbrennan

Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”

@scrirc

I once met this guy who was so creepy that his van had a basement.

@junejuly12

me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*

dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash

@Sickayduh

Chairman: Ok so we’ve decided a group of crows is called a flock?

Creepy Frank: *licking a knife* I’ve got a better idea

@sah_nursemom

Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.

@HeroineAddict

Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.

@BigJDubz

Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?

Priest: Absolutely not