Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Surprise her for breakfast by wearing nothing but a giant pancake.
Not all heroes wear crepes.
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My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
I once met this guy who was so creepy that his van had a basement.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Chairman: Ok so we’ve decided a group of crows is called a flock?
Creepy Frank: *licking a knife* I’ve got a better idea
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not