I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
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new shirt idea
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.