@Mechaniz10

Surprise her for breakfast by wearing nothing but a giant pancake.

Not all heroes wear crepes.

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@GuyThe_Guy

My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.

@AndrewNadeau0

{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.

@thepunningman

Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman

@hazelmotes1

Me: Could a drunk person do this!? *assembles Ikea bookcase*

Her: that’s supposed to be a couch.

@CarrieMayhem

Turn ons include impeccable spelling, proper use of grammar, affinity for board games, love of superheroes, and a huge…

library.

@XplodingUnicorn

4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?

Me: No. You always go in the potty

4: I can stop

Me:

Apparently I negotiate with terrorists

@The1WhosCrazy

The walk of shame:

When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.

@samalmightysam

Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.