Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
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Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
IT’S-A ME,
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.