[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
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If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.