Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
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friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Tammy is short for Tamuel
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.