Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
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Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!