Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
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We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Bro what is this
*Inspirational Tweets*
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*