@Chumpstring

Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.

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@suzieQ0007

At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.

@Douchekevin

I got a call at work telling me my daughter missed period number 3.
When I woke up in the ambulance it turns out it was the school calling.

@jwoodham

Quidditch is my kind of sport. You don’t have to run, you get to sit the whole time, and if things aren’t going well you can just fly home.

@shkeeber

Going to war is the only way Americans can learn geography.

@brynnester

[First Date]
Her: My last boyfriend dumped my by text message!
Me: *trying to impress* when I dump you I’ll definitely do it face to face

@TheBoydP

I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…

@junejuly12

I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.

@LittleMissZesty

Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.

@DaddyJew

Doctor: you gotta cut back on the drinking
Me: but why?
D:*lifts up x-ray* says here your liver has officially been sponsored by Grey Goose