Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.

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At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.


I got a call at work telling me my daughter missed period number 3.
When I woke up in the ambulance it turns out it was the school calling.


Quidditch is my kind of sport. You don’t have to run, you get to sit the whole time, and if things aren’t going well you can just fly home.


Going to war is the only way Americans can learn geography.


[First Date]
Her: My last boyfriend dumped my by text message!
Me: *trying to impress* when I dump you I’ll definitely do it face to face


I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…


I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.


Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.


Doctor: you gotta cut back on the drinking
Me: but why?
D:*lifts up x-ray* says here your liver has officially been sponsored by Grey Goose