Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
You Might Also Like
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”