surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
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I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
I can also cook 😂
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.