@psybermonkey

Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage

You Might Also Like

@TheHyyyype

If you get nervous at a nude beach, just imagine everyone in their underwear.

@HansGrubertron

*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*

HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?

ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes

@jackiembouvier

[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.

@NewDadNotes

Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?

Me: no honey.

Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.

Me: yes but he has legs.

Daughter: Ariel has legs too.

[later]

Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?

Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.

@behindyourback

when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right

@OohSnapItsChris

I like to whisper my questions to the Librarian so they can ask me to speak louder

@rockymomax

HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE!

[Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra

@brodyfontane

I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.

Thanks YouTube

@mdob11

You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE