Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
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Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.