If you get nervous at a nude beach, just imagine everyone in their underwear.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
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*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
I like to whisper my questions to the Librarian so they can ask me to speak louder
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE!
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE