Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
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To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️