@urbanfriendden

surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter

You Might Also Like

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?

Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?

Me: we’re texting

Him: I heard it

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a mosquito.

Mosquito: what does that mean?

God: you feed on blood.

Mosquito: i’m a vampire?

God: no.

Mosquito: oh.

God: you can fly.

Mosquito: i’m a vampire!

God: no.

Mosquito: oh.

God: garlic repels you.

Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!

@cluedont

I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.

@SatansTongue

Give me a massage
“Mm okay”
*rubs oil all over her*
*things get hot*
*things get too hot*
*she bursts into flames*
“Dang I used petroleum”

@HatfieldAnne

You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.

@JohnLyonTweets

I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.

@DaddyJew

My first day as a cat burglar,

Victim: you know you don’t actually have to dress up like a cat when you do this

Me: *hisses

@sjredmond

Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.

@BuckyIsotope

Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.

@Up2Long

Beautiful women following me on Twitter is screwing up my perception of who will talk to me in RL. A trip to Walmart should fix that.