Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
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God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Give me a massage
*rubs oil all over her*
*things get hot*
*things get too hot*
*she bursts into flames*
“Dang I used petroleum”
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
My first day as a cat burglar,
Victim: you know you don’t actually have to dress up like a cat when you do this
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Beautiful women following me on Twitter is screwing up my perception of who will talk to me in RL. A trip to Walmart should fix that.