surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
You Might Also Like
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
can’t believe I got front row seats
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”