Surprise your wife today. Sell all her shoes and buy something nice for yourself.

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‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.


[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]


Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?


For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.


Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.


me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing


[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*


Yes advice is free, but so are throat punches


Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”