I make the stupidest excuses just to skip the gym.
*burns tongue while drinking coffee*
“Oh no! I really wanted to go to the gym today!”
Surprise your wife today. Sell all her shoes and buy something nice for yourself.
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Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
[first day in the mafia]
ME: *bursts in out of breath* STOP!
ME: i just found out that this is *whispers* illegal
It’s sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
the human has started opening and shutting the garage door. pretending to have just gotten home. because they missed how excited that makes me