Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
You Might Also Like
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
calling in to work dehydrated
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Netflix and you sit over there.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.