@redrose0117

Surprise your wife today. Sell all her shoes and buy something nice for yourself.

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@mdob11

‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.

@YuckyTom

[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]

@quikkim

Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?

@UnFitz

For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.

@stevetweeters

Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.

@GrantTanaka

me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing

@murrman5

[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*

@1MeLrO

Yes advice is free, but so are throat punches

@juneohara65

Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”