Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
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(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
I’m not average. I’m mean.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women