Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?

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I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.


[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now


I eat sunflower seeds because I like food but I absolutely love littering


“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”


If you can’t call your kid at 8:30 in the morning from the next bedroom to bring you a drink

What’s the point of them having a cell phone


Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.


Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.


If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.