[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
You Might Also Like
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.