Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
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If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag