@envydatropic

Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose

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@drayzze

I’m not superstitious.

But if you’re wearing a hockey mask and holding a machete I’ll be bothered.

#FridayThe13th

@kidnappedagain

Amazon just delivered menopausal vitamins, so I think my hot flashes have learned how to use Alexa.

@junejuly12

[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharp

Kid: what if I feel salient instead?

Me: just be on time

Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated

Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?

Kid: indubitably

@ADHDeanASL

I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.

She’s bardcore.

@CatsVsHumanity

When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit

@GrantTanaka

when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too

@TheAlexNevil

First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.

Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.

@AbbyHasIssues

Them: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.