I’m not superstitious.
But if you’re wearing a hockey mask and holding a machete I’ll be bothered.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
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Amazon just delivered menopausal vitamins, so I think my hot flashes have learned how to use Alexa.
Me: meet me at 8 sharp
Kid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Me: I’ve totally got this.
Narrator: Oh this ought to be good.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.