Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose

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I’m not superstitious.

But if you’re wearing a hockey mask and holding a machete I’ll be bothered.



Amazon just delivered menopausal vitamins, so I think my hot flashes have learned how to use Alexa.


Me: meet me at 8 sharp

Kid: what if I feel salient instead?

Me: just be on time

Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated

Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?

Kid: indubitably


I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.

She’s bardcore.


When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit


when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too


First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.

Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.


Them: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.