@Darlainky
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
@DaddyJew
Surround yourself with positive people and positive things will happen. Surround yourself with negative people and say hi to my family.
You Might Also Like
@Darlainky
@HenpeckedHal
I offer my kids $500 for every A on their report card. It sends the message that education is a priority in our household and it costs me absolutely nothing since my kids aren’t that bright.
@crunchyslice
Break up with your boyfriend. I have coloring books at my house
@Browtweaten
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
@ImaFlyontheWall
Bob: Who is that?
Me:That’s Ted, he’s the opposite of a hypochondriac..
Ted’s arm falls off
Ted: Hey guys!
Bob: Holy shit!
Ted: What, I’m ok
@BeardRidingMinx
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
@ceejoyner
A sign in the window reads CURED MEATS. Inside, a salami takes his first steps since the accident. A prosciutto learns to forgive.
@Shanehasabeard
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
@spacewizard_t
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀