@dumbbeezie: I want a job waking people up that I dislike. Or I guess I could just get married

@mrtimlong: Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I'm starting to get annoyed.

@RandiLawson: Did U hear they're remaking 'Dirty Dancing' & Miley Cyrus is gonna play the abortion.

@TheAlexNevil: There's nothing I've learned from being a father that I couldn't just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.

@DamienFahey: Hey white people, which filter are we using this year to Instagram the Pumpkin Spice Latte?