I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
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Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Gemma Correll
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?