My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Surround yourself with positive people and positive things will happen. Surround yourself with negative people and say hi to my family.
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I offer my kids $500 for every A on their report card. It sends the message that education is a priority in our household and it costs me absolutely nothing since my kids aren’t that bright.
Break up with your boyfriend. I have coloring books at my house
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Bob: Who is that?
Me:That’s Ted, he’s the opposite of a hypochondriac..
Ted’s arm falls off
Ted: Hey guys!
Bob: Holy shit!
Ted: What, I’m ok
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
A sign in the window reads CURED MEATS. Inside, a salami takes his first steps since the accident. A prosciutto learns to forgive.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.