[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
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i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5